Me fail English? That’s unpossible. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. I didn’t get rich by signing checks.

Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?* I stand by my racial slur. What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” Human contact: the final frontier. I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love! Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2. Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.

I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes! Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!”

When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV! I hope I didn’t brain my damage. Inflammable means flammable? What a country. Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.